The Lochaber

The Lochaber Bar, what can I say

It’s a wee bit out of town

We play there mostly Sunday nights

To wind our weekend down

The crowd are quite a quiet bunch

Who just sit and drink their beer

They never clap, and rarely dance

Perhaps they’re filled with fear

It’s just The Lochaber has another name

The Flying Tumbler to you

Does that fill you in a bit

Hey! They also do that too

But to keep you right I have to say

They are pleasant enough to most

As long as you’re a Celtic fan

They’ll be the perfect host

Both James and Marion who run the bar

Keep everyone in line

That’s why we keep playing there

Cause they’re both really fine

We’ve never seen a fight there yet

Just the odd disagreement or two

But the characters that drink in there

Act daft when they’ve had a few

Like Jake the coalman – oh my God

I’ll never forget the night

He took his clothes off for all to see

What a bloody sight

His trousers hunched around his knees

There were gasps from everyone there

He wiggled his arse from side to side

As his meat and two veg got fresh air

Then another night this OAP

Took an awful shine to me

If only he’d been 80 years younger

He may have been perfect for me

So now you know the goings on

Of the Lochaber Bar in Caol

You should pop in if you’re passing by

But remember – Celtic rule

Attention! Attention! We’ve news for you

We’ve finally witnessed a scrap

It ended too quickly to write too much

But the arms and fists did flap

All I saw was a guy and a girl

Having a heated chat

Then she turned away and picked up a pint

And I thought that was that

But not a chance – it’s the Lochaber bar

It had only just begun

She poured the pint all over his head

And then she clocked him one

He grabbed her by the scruff of the neck

And pulled her off her chair

Although he was blinded by the beer in his eyes

Then she grabbed him by the hair

They scuffled about for a second or two

Until their friends pulled them apart

But plenty of punches had landed by then

The whole display was pretty smart

It all calmed down after they were put out

And normality returned to the bar

But we never stopped once as we watched the event

What professionals we are!!!