Mallaig, Mallaig – oh my God

We’ve been there once and that’s all

But so much happened on that fateful night

It’s a wonder we got home at all

It scares me to death to think of that night

Even though I can laugh at it now

But my angels were with me then, for sure

As it came close to a big pow-wow

For the RNLI dance we were booked

And we took along some mates

Nikki, Catherine and Ally were there

Tonight would be one of the “Greats”

Some traveled by train, some traveled by van

We would all meet at the Hotel

Mallaig is quite a popular place

But that night was a living hell

We set up the gear and checked out the sound

All was working out fine

We went for some drinks in another two pubs

But someone had stepped out of line

Nikki and Catherine’s drinks had been spiked

And their eyes rolled about in their heads

We thought it would be a good idea

If they toddled off to their beds

So up they went to get some kip

And we went back on to play

But just before our second set

The Manager came over our way

“Get these girls out of my hotel,

they’re being sick all over the floor!”

So Stephen went to check it out

Before we sang anymore

I was standing in the hall

Explaining what had gone on

But one woman there was screaming at me

“Sing another bloody song!”

As it happened the girls were not sick

But Nikki had taken a fall

So did the manager look after her

Absolutely no chance at all

By the scruff of the neck he turffed them out

Into the street that night

What a heartless bugger he was

He treated them like shite

But back inside things were heating up fast

The atmosphere wasn’t too nice

Then Stephen came back to tell me the news

They wanted to dock our price!

No bloody way were they doing that

We were doing the job just fine

But the organizers stuck to their guns

They were really out of line

So “That’s all from us – thank you goodnight”

Stephen told the ones at the dance

“They’re trying to knock our fee in half

and we really don’t stand a chance”

“Any complaints - see the woman that booked us.”

That should keep the crowd off our chest

Not a chance, they were going nuts

Even though we had done our best

“You’re rubbish”, “You’re shite”, they started to chant

I didn’t know what to do

Till this old woman tottered on to the floor

And said “Wonderland! Wonderland! Boooooo!”

I thought it was funny, but I never laughed

I was frightened they’d give me a doing

But that old woman started a trend

Cause then they all started Boo-ing

Was it a dream – I’m still not convinced

But it was a really close call

Mallaig, Mallaig Oh my God

We’ve been there once and that’s all