Nairn, Lairg & Conon Bridge

Off on a Highland tour we went

With Ally in the back

Up to Nairn, Lairg then Conon Bridge,

For a weekend we had to pack

Off for Nairn on Thursday night

I’d never played there before

But Stephen had, quite a bit

At least he knew the score

Jacko’s was busy and the gig went well

The staff there are really nice

Marge the owner has a heart of gold

And we stayed at  hers’ for no extra price

She was going on holiday the very next day

So the perishables had to go

We had ham & cheese and everything else

So her food stock was extremely low

Her house was lovely-a palace in fact

Then Ally’s eyes popped out of his head

Their very own snooker room they had built

It’s a wonder he went to his bed

Then up in the morning to get on our way

I’d never been in Lairg before

We travelled the three of us - hey rock ‘n’ roll

I wondered what tonight had in store

Lairg is lovely, so neat and so small

The venue we found fairly fast

We set up the gear then went for a drink

But would this fairytale last?

Not for long my friends, I’m afraid

As they didn’t have cider on draught

The stuff they had blew my brains away

But Stephen and Ally laughed

At the end of the night as we made our way home

Which I’d hardly class as a hike

Up against a flower pot all alone

I found an abandoned bike

So for a laugh I jumped on the seat

Which put a smile on my face

“It’s been year’s since I’ve been on a bike” I screeched

As I zig-zagged all over the place

I tried to go straight but it was no use

As I circled around in the dark

I was getting dizzy and feeling sick

But in Lairg I had left my mark

We went to our guest house right next to the pub

And up the stairs we crept

Clothes off, washed, pyjamas on

How comfortable we slept

The very next morning up with the larks

For breakfast between nine & ten

We were feeling a wee bit rough for a change!

But tonight we will do it again

Back in the van down to Conon Bridge

To play the Drouthy Duck

We checked the pub out, it looked okay

And boy were we in luck

The Pub was packed to the rafters that night

They were a really friendly gang

Despite the fact they looked really young

The night went off with a bang

“Do you play this? Do you play that?”

Was all they seemed to say

It’s not a bloody Karaoke you know

But we’ll do it anyway

When the gig ended they wanted more

So an encore was done for them - twice

We could have gone on a lot longer that night

But they had to go home - which was nice

We sat with the bar staff later that night

And asked could we borrow a phone

We are a bit tired after our weekend tour

And we’d really like to go home

“You don’t want a taxi up to your B&B

It’s only just up the street”

Said the barmaid to us from The Drouthy Duck Pub

Who was sitting there rubbing her feet

So she phoned a taxi but thought we were mad

And we asked for some crisps for the road

We waited and waited ‘til our taxi came

To collect his very drunk load

  Into the taxi the three of us fell

And Stephen opened his crisps

Into first gear the taxi went

And now for the final twist

“That’s one pound thirty” the cabbie said

Stephen nearly choked on his wotzits

“Are we here already Jesus Christ”

And he took some change from his pocket

Out of the taxi we fell to the ground

As we laughed at the length of the ride

The poor bugger never got up to fourth gear

For ten seconds we sat by his side

We worked out he’d driven eleven miles

To take us about twenty feet

But hey that’s commission he’d never have got

If we’d walked all that way with our feet