East Meets West

I’d never been to Banff before

But all that was going to change

In convoy we all left the Fort

And the north gang we would re-arrange!

“The East meets the West” the weekend was called

And oh boy were we going to clash

But to our surprise we all got along

And it turned out to be a huge bash

We all met at Stephen’s to have a few drinks

Then up to the Tolbooth we’d go

We were not in there very long

When the drink soon started to flow

We were all drunk by 7 o’clock

And everyone was having great fun

We’d met all the gang and they all seemed really nice

So the partying had begun

Pete, Alberta, Mairi and Muir

Ally and I were all there

We’d never met that lot before

So we didn’t really care

“Hello Banff” T-shirts we made

For us girls but not the boys

We put them on before we went out

This should cause a bloody noise

Not an eyelid blinked that night

At our T-shirts, but everyone stared

We girls were jumping like loonies

Not that we really cared

Back to Stephen’s the party began

And everyone got along well

We drank, we danced and spun some CD’s

And in the morning you could tell

Fag ends, beer cans, cigarette ash

Were scattered all over the floor

Empty glasses were left to wash

I think these folk had been here before

Everything tidied up by 10 am

We were ready to start a new day

“What do you want for your breakfast?” I asked

Eight Spiced Rums coming your way

By Twelve O’clock we were pissed again

But there was something we had to do

Up to Tracy Souter’s we swayed

As her dad had a huge B.B.Q

Drum sticks, Burgers, Kebabs on the fire

We were all having really good fun

‘Til Babbles put Tracy’s dad in a rage

Saying “I like my drum-sticks well done”

“What are you saying-I’m poisoning you”!

I think he was really hurt

But it didn’t take long to calm things down

Then Mairi and I started to flirt

We had these daft glasses that acted like straws

And everyone wanted a go

All of us tried them but then things went bad

Lack of oxygen started to show

I was in bed by 6pm

The night in the Plough I had missed

All because I’m a greedy cow

And I got too bloody pissed

At 2am they all came home

And I was as fresh as a daisy

Let’s party, let’s party, let’s party all night

But they were all too fucking lazy

So back to bed to lie awake

We’d be heading home tomorrow

But in the morning all there was

Were six faces full of sorrow

“Do you have to go home?” – well no! I don’t

Everyone seemed to agree

Let’s just stay another night

So we did – my friends and me

Back up to the Tolbooth we trotted off

What a way to spend a Sunday

We had such a scream I’m glad we stayed

I think all of us felt that way

But the next day as we were driving home

Alberta and Mairi were ill

We had to make a few pit stops

So their guts they could spill

But in Inverness our paths they split

At the B.P station in fact

Ally and I got petrol and milk

But concentration we lacked

At 7pm we were sitting at home

There came a knock at the door

A policeman stood on our garden path

I was shocked to the core

“Were you in Inverness today”?

I said “yes” what more could I say

Well Mrs Fraser I have some news

For your petrol you forgot to pay

Oh help ma bob I thought to myself

What a bloody beamer, a hiss

Here are my credit card details

I’m sorry I can’t take them Miss

In the policeman came to my home

‘Til I phoned the garage in question

I’m really sorry, so very sorry

Then I phoned my friend in succession

Oh how we laughed, what an excellent way

To end a brilliant weekend

Would we ever reach Banff again?

You’ll have read on my friend